broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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