at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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