It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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