Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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