Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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