she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
