Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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