you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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