i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
