Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
