Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
