you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
