He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
3 2 1 whiskey
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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