May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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