Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
