Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
