Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
