Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
