So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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