How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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