I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
