Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
