I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
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