Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
