My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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