i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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