No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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