we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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