i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
