I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize