The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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