It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
