i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
