if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
