I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
