I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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