The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
