Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Randomize
