So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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