I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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