My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
