I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
