I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
