Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
