my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
