You made me cry and you don't even care
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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