I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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