why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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