my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
