i already hear my dad disowning me
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
