I CAN MOONWALK!
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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