Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
