My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
