She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
