I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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