I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
