found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
