the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
