Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
