Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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