Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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