yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
