so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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