The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
